SATIRE
Company Announces Unlimited PTO, Clarifies That Taking Any Would Be "A Choice"
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Mid-sized software firm Synergiflux Dynamics announced Monday that employees now have unlimited paid time off, effective immediately, adding that it "trusts everyone to make the right decision," which is to not take it.
"We're giving our people total freedom," said Brent Kowalczyk, 47, the company's Chief People Experience Officer. "They can take as many days as they want. We'll just be watching very closely, with interest, to see who does."
According to the updated handbook, requests must be submitted 90 days in advance, approved by three managers, and accompanied by a written statement explaining "why the team isn't enough for you."
Employees who do take time off will receive an automated calendar invite titled "Quick Sync About Commitment."
The company said the change has been a major success, with average PTO use dropping from 14 days a year to zero. Leadership described the result as "a beautiful show of passion."
"Honestly, I love it," said engineer Tasha Ndiaye, 29, from her desk at 11:40 p.m. "I've never felt so free to not leave."
Synergiflux said it plans to roll out unlimited sick leave next quarter, which employees will be welcome to use "as long as they're still on Slack."