Forecasters Upgrade Southern Utah Outlook From "Sunny" to "Aggressively Sunny"

ST. GEORGE, UT — Forecasters at the Southern Utah Bureau of Sky Conditions on Tuesday upgraded the region's outlook from "sunny" to "aggressively sunny," citing a sun that has "begun taking it personally."

"We've seen sunny before. This is different," said senior forecaster Ron Abernathy, 58, squinting through three pairs of sunglasses. "The sun isn't just out. It's looking for you specifically."

Under the new scale, "aggressively sunny" ranks above "very sunny" and just below "the sun has been informed of your plans," a category the bureau reserves for outdoor weddings.

Residents were advised to stay hydrated, seek shade, and avoid making direct eye contact with their car's steering wheel.

The bureau also issued its first-ever "Seatbelt Buckle Advisory," urging drivers to let the metal cool before touching it, "or at least until October, whichever comes later."

"It's a dry heat," said local man Kevin Ashworth, 37, from inside his freezer. "That's what I keep telling myself."

At press time, the bureau said it was preparing a new category for next summer, tentatively called "the sun would like to speak to the manager."